Sigh. I am so depressed right now I don’t know what to do with myself. Nothing is going right for me. I’m running out of time to make something of myself. Some might even say it isn’t that I’m running out of time but that I have run out of time. You’re running out of time by the age of 28. I’m way past the age of 28. I just don’t see what I have to look forward to. I hate feeling sorry for myself but I just don’t see where I have anything to feel good about.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and this is my first post for the month of November
Seems I haven’t updated since October. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will be going grocery shopping in a couple of hours. Since my last update: I finally went to the doctor. Had to pay $300 for the visit. No insurance. The good news is that my test results came back negative for any signs of precancerous activity. The bad news is that the reason for the worrisome symptoms that sent me to the doctor in the first place seem to be my fibroids. One of the fibroids did grow ridiculously huge in the last year or so but I hadn’t considered the possibility it might be causing the problems I’m having. So the hysterectomy I was told I would have to get three years ago which I didn’t get because I was scared, it has to happen. But guess what? I don’t have health insurance and medicaid denied me so I have no way to get the procedure done. Seems I am at risk for hemorrhaging but there’s nothing I can do about it unless I can manage to come up with $10000. But anyway, I’m glad my pap results didn’t show any signs of cancer. I know some people say they received negative results but it still turned out they had cancer anyway, but I’m going to not worry for now. I’ll make sure I follow advice and get tested again a year from now.
I guess these are times some women beat themselves up for not making a smarter choice when selecting their mate? But my husband is not my parent, that’s how I see it. It’s not his responsibility to provide for me and make sure I have the money I need to look after my health or make sure he has health insurance that also covers his family. I know some people think that way but the way I see it, it’s my life…it’s my responsibility to make sure I am able to afford to look after my health.
Anyway, I’m glad for the respite from worrying that I might have cervical cancer. As for Thanksgiving, not really looking forward but maybe I should be changing my attitude and looking forward to every day. Maybe I’ll use tomorrow as the starting point for the cooking section of my blog I’ve been thinking about doing. We’ll see how it goes.
Posted in Life
Tagged cancer, cervical cancer, fibroids, health insurance, hemorrhaging, husband provider, medicaid
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So in love today all out of love tomorrow – Is this the way of love?
Just a few days ago I was in love with my husband. Today I’m frustrated with myself for still being married to him. I don’t know. Maybe this is how love works or something but frankly it’s just ridiculous to me. I want consistency or more to the point stability in my marriage. Maybe the problem isn’t that my marriage is unstable but that my emotions are unstable and I’m not mentally balanced? The truth is I want to love my husband, or I should say I want to have a loving, passionate and close relationship with my husband. He’d be my first choice if I was given an opportunity to have a great relationship with someone with a guarantee that there would always be honest and trust and truth, care, concern, consideration and all the elements that help to strengthen a relationship; but such an opportunity won’t come. In the meantime what I have is what I have, a husband I can’t trust and the trust issue is major. For me and my husband things go pretty well as long as I don’t bring up certain subjects. The minute I bring them up we drop from being so in love we hold hands while lying in bed watching TV to being on the verge of divorce.
Women farting during sex – should you be embarrassed to pass gas when making love with your husband?
Interesting discussion found at ehealthforum.com. Have you ever farted during sex or had the urge to fart during sex? After almost 14 years of marriage I farted during sex for the first time. I’d warned him before we got started that I was having a little problem with air escaping of its own free will and that it was possible it would happen during sex as the action of penetration tends to create a bit of a problem for me when I have a lot of air moving about in my body. Embarrassingly enough what I’d feared would happen did and it wasn’t quiet or quick either. It wasn’t the kind of sonorous booms my husband can sometimes let rip but it was audible and it came out in spurts. We laughed about it but I couldn’t continue on with intercourse after it happened.
Posted in The Bedroom
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Marriage and French kissing – lack of tongue sucking doesn’t necessarily mean there is no passion
Hubby pressed and pressed yesterday until I caved and tried a French kiss. It apparently made his day. He was still talking about it when he called to let me know he’d arrived safely to work and again when he called to check in at lunch time; and last night he went for more tongue sucking again. I could have done without it. It wasn’t horribly horribly intolerable but it’s not something I want to try again for another several years. The last time we French kissed was about 3 years ago, and before that more than 6 years I’m sure. He’s always talking about our first kiss and how I don’t kiss him like that anymore, but I heard someone say, and I’m inclined to agree, that a kiss like what we shared the first time we kissed only happens once. Tongue kissing usually seems so unnecessary to me; and I don’t agree that when couples stop french kissing it means their passion is gone. I think something else is behind the loss of interest in tonguing. Tonguing is for the sex starved I think. They are so fired up and so hungry they act like ravenous wolves, not because they have so much passion for each other but because they have found food to feed their hunger. When you’re not starving you don’t usually wolf down your food. Just because you’re not ripping each other’s clothes off and shoving your tongues down each other’s throats doesn’t mean your passion is gone.
One of the most enjoyable kisses I’ve ever had from my husband in recent years involved no insertion of tongues into mouths. What turned me on was the firmness of the kiss, the control in his grasp, the way he connected 100% with me for the brief moment. When I remember that kiss I feel no urge to retch. I can’t say the same for the tongue kisses.
Posted in The Bedroom
Tagged husband and wife kissing, passionate kiss, passionate kisses, passionate kissing
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Love songs and exercise can make you feel in love and put you in the mood for love
I’m about to head to bed. Spent the last hour getting a nice dance workout. Spent the half hour before that listening to loves songs from back before i got married and lost all interest in love; and between the love songs and the flow of adrenaline from exercising I am so in the mood, but I don’t think I’ll be doing anything about it. I don’t want to ruin the whole mood. It’s nice to feel in love. I’m not sure sex tonight wouldn’t ruin that feeling. I’m craving my husband but not for sex. I’m craving fun with him like the fun I had by myself just now. I want us to be silly and have fun together, then we can both be feeling this great energy and the sex that will undoubtedly result will leave me feeling closer to him instead of how it usually leaves me feeling which is basically empty and used.
Image: photos8.com
Posted in Love
Tagged exercise, feel in love, in the mood for love, interest in love, love songs, so in the mood
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When I need love I hold out my hand and I touch love I never knew there was so much love
It’s interesting how the mind works. If you can listen to a song from back when you were young and love was still something that seemed so painfully sweet, can’t you still get back that feeling doing the same things you used to do, listening to love songs that play tricks on your mind and by extension your heart? I’m in love with my husband right now, this very minute and it’s all in the power of a song; but he’s down there sleeping. I’m up here feeling something I won’t share with him because the reality of love, my God it’s nothing like a song is it? What does it mean that I feel teary-eyed thinking about the love my husband and I should be sharing but can’t because life can’t hit a high note like Celine Dion? I want to dance with him but I know it’s the music that’s putting this desire in me.
Posted in Love
Tagged Celine Dion, i touch love, in love with my husband, the reality of love, When I Need You
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8 chicken nuggets, left over potato salad – It’s time to workout but I just don’t feel like it
It’s been a high stress day. I just finished consuming about 8 chicken nuggets. The Chick-Fil-A variety. I was supposed to start working out at 3Pm. It’s 3:11PM. I am really not feeling like working out at all. Life is so much stress. Being a mother. Being a wife. My God it can be hell sometimes. I had a conversation with one of my alter egos earlier while finishing the left over potato salad. It went something like this.
Alter ego: You might as well shoot yourself in the head and be done with it. It’s less trouble than eating yourself dead. Eating every time you feel stressed is no different from killing yourself.
Me to Alter ego: Well, actually you can recover from getting fat. You can’t recover from being dead.
Health coverage – one more reason it’s not always a good idea to marry for love
I know the title of this post doesn’t make any sense. I’m in the middle of trying to find a place where I can go and get the process started of finding out if I have cervical cancer. That’s what I’m living in fear of. I have symptons that are worrisome and I figure it’s time to face the music. Better to know what you’re dealing with that to try to avoid it for fear of finding out that yes, that’s what you’re dealing with. You could be making it worse by delaying going to find out. It could already be too late for me.
Getting to see a doctor isn’t so easy when you’re poor and don’t have any health insurance though. One of the biggest issues I have with going to the doctor is the invasive nature of the whole thing; and when you’re poor you can add being treated with disrespect and disregard to the that list. I’m not looking forward to this process but I realize what I’m possibly facing right now is way bigger than feeling like I’m nobody and nothing because I have to go to a clinic for poor people where people are going to treat me like I’m just a name on a chart deserving of no consideration or respect. I can’t continue to sit around while things are happening to my body that should not be happening and that could be very life threatening and do nothing about it because I don’t want people to invade my body while at the same time looking down and talking down to me.
So I’ve picked up the phone at least. Of course when you’re dealing this low down on the totem pole you can’t expect to get through and get an appointment scheduled right away. I haven’t gotten through to a live person yet; but I will try again and at least make the appointment.
As for the title of the post, well, it would have made things that much easier if I’d married for money. I would have a personal doctor and wouldn’t have to now be trying to get through to a live person at the local poor people’s clinic to make an appointment to get the process started to find out if I am running out of time to make something of myself before I die.